This time last year I was locked up with 12 other girls on a 6 week altitude camp at the AIS. I was eating, breathing dreaming cycling. I didn’t have to work, or cook (unfortunately i still had to clean) and all i had to do was ride my bike. To those non-cycling enthusiasts, this could seem like a nightmare but to those aspiring cyclists, this was a dream. I underwent gruelling training that was designed to ‘bring us back on our knees’ and as a consequence I was rewarded with impressive form which saw me place 3rd in 2 stages of the Canberra Tour. As a result of all my hard work, performances and dedication I showed throughout the camp, I had been given a scholarship with ACTAS and the honour of being chosen to represent Australia in the Australian National/AIS team in the Giro Donne in Italy, arguably the biggest Women’s race in the World, and the Tour of Limousin in France. I felt as though I had the World at my feet, that I was one step closer to living the dream and had finally proved to most importantly myself and everyone else that I had what it took to make a career as a professional cyclist.
Fast forward to 2010 and it seems as though that world I had in front of me has crumbled at my feet. I had a shocker Nationals, got sick just after and couldn’t ride the Women’s Tour of NZ and the level of training I have been able to complete since then has been embarrassing to say the least. And to answer a few questions I’ve heard: Yes, I am still cycling. No I do not go out partying every night therefore purely inflicting this on myself. Yes, at the moment I am fat and slow but you know what? I can change that... you can’t change the fact that you’re a douche and finally Yes. I can handle this. You have no idea.
I am back working (I now have 4 jobs...) and seemed to have gone from having all my doors open, to all of them slamming me back in the face. What makes it even harder is that I no longer have the support that I use to, in the time where I could use it the most.
Reflecting back on all of this, I couldn’t help but think what has changed and what I wish hadn’t...
I miss being the one who made everyone else suffer in training/races, instead of the one begging for others to take mercy on me
I miss having the lean physique and able to fly up hills, instead of resembling a heavy weight line-backer who is struggling to simply haul their butt up there
I miss the pain you feel when you’ve known you’ve given your all, instead of the stabbing pain i get in my chest every time i make an attempt at anything ‘hard’.
I miss racing...and celebrating with the team after a good day in the office, instead of hearing about it all the next day on cyclingnews... or even facebook.
I’ve changed...change back. I miss me.
Now is where you start playing your violin solo I know... But everyone has a right to a whinge every now and again and i’m using my pass to one today.
I know that everyone encounters setbacks, it even happens to the best. Talk to pros and you’ll hear the all too familiar story of time off for broken bones, glandular fever...Most recently Heinrich Haussler, who was seen as a hot favourite for the Classics, tore a ligament in his knee and was forced to withdraw from his whole classics campaign and reassess his goals for the rest of the year. I tell myself these things every time I think ‘why does this only happen to me??’ and when the recovery stage seems to be drawing on or centuries. It happens to the best.
At the moment I am still working hard to plan my racing season but it seems as though I now have to play the waiting game to hear back from people...A hard thing to do when patience isn’t you’re strong point but as hard it is to believe, people do have other things to think about than me :P
I also want to take this time to congratulate all the girls in the Australian National/AIS team or a fantastic start to the season. You are all doing a great job, I only wish I was there to say this in person.
I promise my next entry won’t be as dark and emo, hopefully i’ll have some good news to report!!
Until then,
Take care xx
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